Coupon Clipper

Just bought some pretty, pretty shoes online.

Two pair, actually.

And I bought them in separate orders to make sure I could use coupon codes on each.

It's hard to remember what my life was like before the existence of online shopping and bargain hunting. I've never gotten into the whole e-bay or craigslist thing. (Though I do like craigslist for apartment hunting, buying stuff from strangers just makes me think psychos have found a way to lure me to their house/secret torture chamber with promises of cheap IKEA furniture at bargain basement prices.)

I love online shopping, though. I mean, I really, really, REALLY love it. I like being able to sort by my size so I don't even fall in love with that cashmere wrap sweater that's only available in XS or XL. (My dream is to get really fat later in life so I can capitalize on all those great deals. I'm not interested in trying for the XS because I'm pretty sure I'd have to shrink some bones on my 5'9 frame and eating lots of ice cream sounds like way more fun.)

Shopping has always been pretty fun for me, but not like it is for most women I know. First of all, I'm poor. Or at least I was taught to think that way so spending more than $50 on an item of clothing still gives me nightmares of not being able to pay for college or having to *gasp* carry a balance on my credit card. Shopping is not fun when your buzz gets killed with every flip of the price tag.

I've tried shopping at places like TJ Maxx or Marshalls because every time I admire a friend's accessory or new purchase, I hear she "found it at (insert discount store here) for only $3.99! Can you believe it?" Actually, no. I can't. Every time I go into one of those stores I start to hyperventilate at the racks and racks of clothes with almost no organization. After 20 minutes of scraping through the racks, the best I've come up with is a leopard print skirt I could never pull off for $35. Is there some secret, super awesome discount back room I don't know about?

Second, I do not like retail crowds. Shopping in popular stores on the weekends completely overwhelms me. If there's a line to get into the dressing room, I start sweating and sprint for the door. Even if there aren't many people, but the racks are close together, I feel like I can't move and start sighing huffily at every person who dares to cross my path.

Third, when I peruse in-store sales, I NEVER FIND MY SIZE! Considering I can see the top of most women's heads, I can't figure out how there are so many people my size buying all the good clothes before I get there.

Fourth, I don't like to be helped. I also don't like to be asked "How ya doin' in there? Can I get you a bigger size?" while trying to squeeze my ass into a pair of jeans. I don't appreciate the hard sell and I don't care about giving you a commission. In fact, I might leave and come back later to buy my clothes without help from ANYONE just to deny you that small percentage. I am a petty and vengeful customer, I know.

This is why the beauty of online shopping is like my siren song. Of course I don't buy anything I can't return for free at a store or cheaply by mail, and I know I take some risks by not seeing things in person, but for $10.15 for a pair of Limited work pants? I'm willing to chance it.

After all, who doesn't like shoe shopping at 10:00pm while watching the Daily Show with a sleeping puppy by your side?

Speaking of sleeping, I need to gets me some of that.